Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I understand Curling. That high.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
