I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
