At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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