Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
