I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
