I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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