If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
