Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
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I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
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When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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