I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
