like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
