Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
