I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude i'm inner monologue high
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
