I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
