I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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