dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
