Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Are my feet made of real feet?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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