watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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