Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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