see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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