then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
