I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
