she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
