I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
