i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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