in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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