Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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