Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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