i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
