i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
