My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just cropdusted the office
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
