I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
