Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
