Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
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Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
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I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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