Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
