She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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