Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Couch. On fire.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
