I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
