Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
