Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
