dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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