I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
