roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
