How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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