I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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