i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
