I just made out with a guy for $7.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
