I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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