She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
