So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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