Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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