someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
