im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
