A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
