Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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