She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands