I think I won the penis lottery.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there