one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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